hugs

1. the rush of love, safety, comfort, and trust i got with the welcome home hug and kiss i got from jeff last night
2. ben and jerry's frozen yogurt - i eat a 1/2 a pint each night, no joking
3. seeing an old friend yesterday looking happy, peaceful, and more beautiful, because of it, than ever.
4. lea's unconditional love and affection
5. cleaning

nugget: if you're lucky, you'll grow as much and as quickly as your children do. we all make mistakes when we're venturing into new territory. however, apologies are always helpful when the inevitable happens.

gratitude

1. making it through a tough week and having a fun weekend with my family
2. jeff and i making each other laugh like we haven't in a long time
3. the mixed media painting lea and i did last night and the inspiration it brings me for my next pieces (crazy how much it connected me to what i'm trying to do)
   
4. jeff, lea, and i found an amazing trail in our backyard on our evening hike. view of the whole bay.
   
5. the long conversation i had with a dear friend yesterday

nugget: when things get rough don't be shy to rely on your own version of medication. whether it be grass, tequila, alone time, music, exercise, prayer, TV, sex, shopping, reading, talking, exploring, writing, dancing, ice cream or mother-fucking all of the above. when in doubt be honest with how you know how to comfort yourself and just do it.

buddhism

1. lea's huge nap today
2. time to rest and reflect today
3. new leaf
4. a pound of fresh coffee ready to be made
5. a new bedroom

nugget: nothing that we hope and wish for can make us happy. that's a never ending path. in order to be happy and at peace we need to be happy and at peace with what is...right now. that's what we have.

renovation

1. the surge of energy i received today to start rearranging the rooms as we planned. finally, our bedroom is downstairs (not in the living room anymore!). even though the house seems more messy since it's not all done, it's in progress....my favorite place to be.
   
2. finally finding an organic coffee bean that works in the morning
3. homemade cinnamon pancakes
4. pillows and blankets
5. endless resources right under our roof

nugget: process is messy, progress is clean and simple. we all need a bit of both to stay sane.

understanding

tough day, but managed to DIG:

1. jeff coaxing me into talking about what's been bothering me and feeling much better for it
2. the fact that jeff understands me so well and knows just what to say to give me perspective and make me feel loved and understood
3. finding enough cash to go out and grab a hamburger with lea and watch the sunset. it turned my whole day around
4. listening to lea find letters in everything and recite the sounds
5. lea for bringing me strawberries throughout the day to make me feel better....and realizing it truly does make me feel better.

walking

1. everyone sleeping soundly all night and waking at 8:30
2. getting lea's first potty and seeing her start to associate with it and what it's for
3. the crate of strawberries on our counter and knowing it will soon be homemade jam....yummy!
4. jeff and i reconnecting in many ways
5. how lea kisses me on the hand when we're walking to signal wanting a real kiss. there is nothing more precious in the world to me

nugget: it's easy to fall into the belief that we need to mold ourselves in order to fit into all the roles we play in life. however, this molding can cause resentment, loneliness, and fear that we have lost who we are. i see now how important it is to first define who we are and let our roles mold into us. it's helped me to stop reacting to the emotions, choices, and beliefs around me and start checking in more to me; how i feel, what i believe, what choices i want to make. it helps me take responsibility for myself. all the things i had constantly wished would change are no longer an obstacle. all the people i would get frustrated with because they weren't this way or that are no longer obstacles to reach my dreams. defining myself first means making a choice about how i want to engage in any situation. every moment presents a new opportunity to shift my state of mind, and therefore my life.

growth

1. coming home and remembering all the blessings we have in our everyday lives
2. lea's unconditional love and affection
3. jeff's unconditional love and affection
4. figuring something out about my struggles and seeing the realization help me already
5. perspective
6. writing as therapy

nugget: people don't change who they are, they just need help breaking free of what has happened to them in order to realize who they are.

coming home

1. finding some good in a really turbulent trip to the mountains with jeff's family
2. learning how to rock climb on friday - i want to do that everyday!
3. having a few hours to take a beautiful hike with jeff and watch the sunset, collect things for lea's nature jar, and take pictures
4. talking through the grievances we both had and helping each other gain perspective....so much so that we're able to joke about it all, finally
5. i never have to go back to that cabin again - wohoo!

nugget: some people's whole world revolves around their insecurity, which typically results in rude, disrespectful, and attack-dog behavior. when they are encountered it's best to keep your sense of humor and your thoughts to yourself.

vacations

1. homemade lasagna
2. amazing friends who are willing to be open
3. yoga breaths and witnessing how much they help lea as well
4. jeff for coming home early and working so hard today so we could leave for the mountains tomorrow
5. reconnecting with old friends

nugget: no one ever said grace came without heartache

aspirations

1. having a beautiful day today with jeff, lea, and bissen
2. lots of laundry done today
3. realizing how much sleep can make a difference in life
4. jeff's attentiveness
5. having our bed back

nugget: for a long time now i've been disappointed with myself with how ungraceful i was with becoming a mother; from the pregnancy troubles and hardships, the emergency birth, the post partum, and general struggle with figuring it all out. but i have since realized that i never sought out to be just a good mom. my goal has been to be an amazing mom, wife, and woman; to defy everything i had as an example and be the mom i wish i had. break the mold. i went into this wanting to grow instantly into this image of a mom that i never knew, but believed in. my expectation of myself was to know how to be this person solely with the understanding of what NOT to do based on my own experiences. building my own family by becoming the antithesis of my immediate family. and do this without any support from my own blood. that's a huge pill to swallow. yet, now that my baby is a toddler, and i'm sleeping again i look at her, myself, and my husband and see that i have become that woman, that wife, that mom in my head. i still have bad days, but i am starting to realize i have actually surpassed my own expectations. on my good days i am far greater a person than i thought possible.

jeff

1. kristen for inspiring me to start the "love about you" notes to jeff each day and how much it stops me in my day to really appreciate and define what i love about him each day
2. how much lea loves sushi already
3. our evening walk downtown today
4. lea is officially weaned (well, for 5 days now) and i think i'm finally OK with it since lea is
5. doing nothing today (since lea decided not to nap) and being OK with it

nugget: opening up brings everyone closer

running into friends

1. running into kimmie, noah, and her hubby at breakfast this morning and taking the time to hang out and let lea and noah play today
2. strong lattes that actually work
3. taking a nap today with lea
4. feeling at peace
5. going to the ritz for a family picnic and witnessing a fancy-pants wedding....and realizing after seeing the bride walk down the aisle how happy i am about who i married and how we got married and at the same time feeling excited and hopeful about lea's own experience one day
   

nugget: love the one your with

sunshine

1. having such a wonderful late morning with good friends, adorable kids, and beautiful weather - what a gift!
2. my cramps not being too bad today
3. planning trips
4. sharing jeff's humor in so many things and ways
   
5. feeling optomistic the first time this week
6. spending time with lea and getting to be her mom

nugget: you can only achieve the dreams you actually define for yourself

fresh produce

1. going to the farmer's market in pacifica today for the first time and finding some yummy treats
2. going for walks with lea and collecting all her "finds" and keeping them for her in her own nature jar that we can talk about as the years go by
3. a delicious latte today
4. having dinner with jeff on our front patio and enjoying the warm night, full moon, and beautiful clouds
5. getting good sleep for the first time in 2 years

nugget: when lea starts having a tantrum the best remedy is to mirror her frustration so she knows i know exactly what is upsetting her...not distract or ignore her needs. she yearns to be heard and understood more than anything. don't we all.

naps

1. seeing the painting i made for a dear friend hanging in her room today and feeling like it belongs already
2. lea's long nap today
3. meal planning and the money and stress it saves
   
4. the energy to meal plan
5. opening up about what's on my mind

nugget: let it go