saturday's list 2/28

1. completing a very difficult assignment and being the better for it
   
2. intense shoulder work at yoga this morning 
   
3. relaxing day with jeff and lea
   
4. making plans for the future
   
5. the weather was nice enough for us to take a night stroll "downtown" and we ran into a reading at the book store. 
   

nugget: there are always options, always choices, no matter how stuck you might feel. there is always a reason when a challenge presents itself

belief makeover

i have to admit, i really did not enjoy this exercise. i found it very hard to define the beliefs and then choose 5, and then break them down. but here goes:

1. it's too late

• define: it's too late for me to pursue a new career in the arts or otherwise now that i am in my 30's, and a new mom
  
• deconstruct: i constantly compare myself to others, everywhere, and feel disappointed in myself for not accomplishing more thus far. i understand it takes work, but i doubt myself too much to stay focused enough to really pursue my dreams. i find myself vacillating between making excuses and cutting myself down. living in my head. 
  
• convert it: i know it doesn't matter what your age is or when you start, the point is just doing it. 
  
• evidence: i know this is true by the numerous people i admire who started their noteworthy career's late(r) in life. also, being a new mom is all the more reason and inspiration to go after my dreams. it will show lea first hand that it's never too late to go after her passions
  

2. my marriage

• define it: jeff and i are recreating the marriage my mom and dad had when i am cold and pissy and he puts his wall up. 
  
• deconstruct it: this is no mystery as we all gravitate towards what we know. for better or worse. 
  
• convert it: jeff and i may have some aspects of our personalities that are similar, but we are nothing like them. together or separate. everyone can get pissy and at some point everyone puts up a wall. i'm just sensitive to it when it happens because of my history. 
  
• evidence: positive differences; jeff and i talk about everything. even though it's harder to find time now that we have lea, we still always find time, and it always makes things better; we are incredibly loving, honest, supportive, passionate, and are best friends; we are great parents who make mistakes and help each other through everything. 
  

3. acceptance

• define it: i need acceptance or permission for many aspects of my decision making, down to the most simple choice. 
  
• deconstruct it: this one is very hard for me to admit as i'm ashamed i'm even like this. i am aware it's me, but i have a hard time turning it off or ignoring it. because i'm so ashamed i often suffer in my head and let it fester. it's a deep fear that i will be left alone if i am rejected. it's something in my core due to some principal events in my life. it manifests through most choices i make, big or small. it's hard-wired in my brain. it affects my confidence in all areas of my life. 
  
• convert it: everything takes practice in life and this is no exception. as i let myself become more aware of this "filter" i can decide to ignore it and pay better attention to the positive results. 
  
• evidence: the times i listen to my true instinct are always the choices i am most proud of. i know i need to let go and just allow myself to bloom. if i am left by anyone along the way they were not worth having in my life in the first place. there are no mistakes. 
  

4. self-perception

• define it: the person i want to be is not the person jeff is in love with. 
  
• deconstruct it: because i second guess myself so much, i often believe if i do become the person i want to be, i will loose the connection i have with jeff. 
  
• convert it: the connection i have with jeff will only become stronger as i get closer to who i truly am, as this will inevitably inspire jeff,and lea (and everyone around me) to be more open about their true selves.
  
• evidence: every time i am more honest about my feelings (however hard they are to say) jeff and i are closer both physically and emotionally. every time i create something from my gut i could't care less what anyone thinks but jeff inevitably loves those pieces more. every time i go after my dream (even a little) i see both jeff and lea blooming a bit more in their own way. 
  

5. time/space logistics

• define it: i don't have the time or space to live the daily life i dream about
  
• deconstruct it: we live in a very small home and i am a new mom. i struggle with sleep and the new daily routines of being a stay-at-home mom and wanting my family to live in a clean home with healthy food and habits. 
  
• convert it: this is an excuse, and should be looked at as a challenge or a clue as to what changes need to take place in order to have an even healthier environment. jeff and i are looking for a new, bigger home, and i have purchased a baby monitor so i can be a bit further from lea during her naps to start using that time more wisely. 
  
• evidence: i see hundreds of other moms who do WAY more than me and don't seem frazzled. i know it's possible, i just have to make small adjustments. 
  

OK. so after actually typing this out, i now have to say that this exercise is amazing. thank you corrine! it's painful and embarrassing to share step 2 of the process (deconstruct) but very cathartic.

tgif 2/27

1. taking a nap today - man that felt good!
   
2. jeff understanding how to let me vent and make me feel better
   
3. lea turning in her chair to sit face to face in order to chat with me while we ate dinner
   
4. lea being so good and entertaining while we ran errands
   
5. this whole week being peaceful

nugget: nothing solves life's issues better than some good sleep

list for 2/26

1. staying home with lea today so she could rest and get better
   
2. a neighborhood kitty adopted us and has been coming to visit a few times daily for the past week
   
3. tumbling and wrestling with lea today and the sound of her laugh
   
4. connecting with amazing friends who understand and support me
   
5. the look on lea's face when she sees her dad come home

nugget: your mind can either be a prison or a propeller. it's all about perspective.

list for 2/25

1. lea taking a 2.5 hour nap - she needed sleep after last night!
   
2. seeing an herbalist today to start understanding better what's going on with lea's eczema and how to make it better - thanks kimmie!
   
3. another amazing day being married to jeff and knowing how lucky i am
   
4. an amazing visit with karin and her two angels, playing, eating, and having another great conversation 
   
5. jeff took care of feeding us tonight

nugget: we are all meant to shine, but it is no mistake that we have to find our own light first.

list for 2/24

1. sunny, warm sunrise this morning
   
2. target's cheap splurges
   
3. lea stopping from nursing this morning to share a huge happy smile
   
4. jeff coming home early for me to attend my group coaching session
   
5. the amazing women i get work with in my new group
   

nugget: stop asking permission and just starting doing!

list for 2/23

1. new living room arrangement
   
2. new panini maker from my parents
   
3. MNO tonight - art school
   
4. an amazingly sweet email from jeff
   
5. spending the day talking, laughing, singing, and dancing with lea
   

nugget: it's never too late

list for 2/20-2/22

list for 2/20

1. good news from my sister's doc - phew!
   

list for 2/21

1. feeling some grace again during yoga
   
2. having a clear head to have a great conversation with jeff
   
3. sushi
   
4. trusting myself
   
5. watching lea and jeff eat dinner together
   

list for 2/22

1. waking from an incredibly promising dream (rare occurrence)
   
2. lea's new trick; clapping hands when we say bravo
   
3. feeling more at peace with myself and my world
   
4. family hugs
   
5. jeff is building our website
   

nugget: be open, be honest, no matter how hard it seems

list for 2/19

1. pat coming over to watch lea for a few hours
   
2. my mani and pedi from mary at the white orchid - first one in 8 months! wow. (thanks kimmie!)
   
3. the japanese market in san mateo where i found so many little gems for 1$ each
   
4. having a chance to talk to my mom and catch up
   
5. being with jeff last night
   

nugget: Anything that has real and lasting value is always a gift from within. Franz Kafka

list for 2/18

1. lea's "yeah" gesture
   
2. days like this when my heart feels calm and secure
   
3. having the chance to vent a little at lea's playgroup today
   
4. jeff's excitement over getting his first intentional kiss from lea this morning
   
5. knowing in my bones that things will keep getting better
   

nugget: nothing can take away my light. no situation, mistake, choice, person, or amount of money can take it away. therefore there is nothing to be afraid of. there is only how i deal with the tough times and enjoy the good times. that it was defines me.

List for 2/17

1. the extra space i've created for lea to play in
   
2. the start of my "surrender jar" and how it eases my inner critic
   
3. starting the process of peacefully understanding and accepting my new role in life
   
4. forgiveness
   
5. jeff for loving my cooking 
   

nugget: Quote from my daily om "You will know you are flourishing today because you can see the imprint of your future accomplishments in the achievements of your past." makes me feel at ease with staying still on days like these.

List for 2/16

1. clean, clean home
   
2. lunch at the ritz during the only sunny time this weekend
   
3. having an amazing husband who takes such good care of his daughter - listening to them go about their day is priceless
   
4. peaceful day
   
5. lea's skin is finally looking normal again - after 5 weeks!

nugget: ignore the nagging, sarcastic, judgemental, and just plain mean voice that narrates in my head sometimes and it will go away.

List for 2/15

a day late....

1. not having to go anywhere and fight the crazy weather
   
2. homemade blueberry tart
   
3. having jeff home for the 3 day weekend
   
4. netflix movie box for on-demand movies
   
5. cuddling with lea and jeff on our bed while watching milo and otis
   

nugget: never stop assimilating new knowledge

List for 2/14

1. my yoga instructor, george, for always knowing exactly what to say in order to keep me inspired 
   
2. feeling my body becoming stronger and more flexible, and knowing this is only able if my mind is strong and flexible
   
3. witnessing lea share her grapes with jeff
   
4. getting multiple hugs and kisses from lea
   
5. jeff's honesty

nugget: if there is no try involved there is not reason for me to be there

List for 2/13

1. understanding friends
   
2. wise friends
   
3. inspiring friends
   
4. diverse friends 
   
5. supportive friends

nugget: i am not alone

List for 2/12

1. new leaf letting me in early this morning
   
2. jeff watching lea while i go get coffee and lunch
   
3. my target turtleneck helping me feel slimmer
   
4. productive hour cleaning the house
   
5. anticipation of seeing beth and martha today
   

nugget: why can't i get just as motivated to keep our house beautiful for my family as i do for when people come over? something i need to work on.

List for 2/11

1. the rain and how it makes everything shine and smell new again
   
2. my macbook air
   
3. remembering that everyday presents a new chance
   
4. the calm that comes over me when lea finally falls asleep
   
5. how hard jeff works to provide our family with love, support, and everything we need in life
   

nugget: to say i take things too personally is not the whole picture...i actually think everything that is wrong in our families' life is actually my fault. realizing this is eye opening because logically i know this can't be true. how do i change this mind set? taking care of my roots and knowing it's a process.

List for 2/10

1. even though lea is waking up at night she goes to sleep easily once i feed her
   
2. lea loves oatmeal
   
3. new leaf's tortilla soup today
   
4. jeff's mood this morning - still happy from our weekend making his b-day much better than expected
   
5. honest conversations with jeff

nugget: i need to listen more and speak less

We just got back from a spectacular weekend at Sea Ranch.....

2/6

1. Excitement of having a weekend away with my two loves
   
2. Comfy car to drive
   
3. Clear roads
   
4. Exploring our way up the coast
   
5. Discovering our home for the weekend
   

Nugget: Progress not perfection (borrowed from my guru)

2/7

1. Waking up to an amazing view of the ocean and a sunny, sunny day
   
2. Finding a place to get triple espresso drinks in Gualala
   
3. Seeing Jeff's face when it finally sank in where we were
   
4. Nice, long walk along the coast
   
5. Sleeping with Lea in our king-sized bed and feeling her kicking and sleeping against my back (no sleep, but it was precious)
   

Nugget: Trust your instincts - it's basic but, man, do I need to remind myself of this often

2/8

1. Finding coffee and amazing biscotti 
   
2. Playing scrabble with Jeff all night long
   
3. Our BBQ dinner in town - brisket, pulled pork, and chicken...mmmmm
   
4. Having an amazing conversation with Jeff hiking along the ocean while lea sleept on Jeff's back
   
5. Witnessing the full moon shining over the ocean like a spotlight from our living room 
   

Nugget: I need to stop beating up on myself and start believing in myself 

2/9

1. Lea and I slept in until 10am!! We got up a lot during the night but man, that's the first time in a year at least
   
2. Jeff made me coffee and a bagel
   
3. BLT sandwich in town - just like mom used to make
   
4. No cell phone reception all weekend
   
5. Watching Lea and Jeff play and dance once we got home
   

Nugget: I miss going on adventures. They help me remember that life is a process, a journey, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

List for 2/5

1. the whole family sleeping in 'till 8am
   
2. feeling at peace with myself and living in the moment
   
3. witnessing doors opening as i pursue my dream
   
4. lea letting me kiss her one thousand times a day (i know these days won't last forever!)
   
5. anticipation of the fun, relaxing time we'll be having at sea ranch this weekend
   
6. Nadine get's her own today since I had written mine before she had her twins yesterday: I'm so thrilled and relieved that mama and babies are doing fine. welcome!
   

nugget: the only approval i should be looking for is from my heart

rumor has it there is NO cell phone service where we're going so i'm not sure if you'll be seeing my iDIGs till we come back on monday. i will be writing them though!

List for 2/5

1. the whole family sleeping in 'till 8am
   
2. feeling at peace with myself and living in the moment
   
3. witnessing doors opening as i pursue my dream
   
4. lea letting me kiss her one thousand times a day (i know these days won't last forever!)
   
5. anticipation of the fun, relaxing time we'll be having at sea ranch this weekend
   
6. Nadine get's her own today since I had written mine before she had her twins yesterday: I'm so thrilled and relieved that mama and babies are doing fine. welcome!
   

nugget: the only approval i should be looking for is from my heart

rumor has it there is NO cell phone service where we're going so i'm not sure if you'll be seeing my iDIGs till we come back on monday. i will be writing them though!

Lists for 2/3 & 2/4

2/4

1. wallaby yogurt - i eat one or two every day and it instantly makes me feel good
   
2. watching the sun rise over our patch of trees in the view from the back of our home
   
3. listening to lea talk and say more words everyday
   
4. my devoted husband
   
5. knowing today is going to be a good day
   

nugget: there are pockets to my home where i truly see myself shining through.

2/3

1. brewing coffee at home
   
2. blue sky cafe's "mr. blue sky sandwich" and latte
   
3. watching lea's face as i swing her on the swings for the first time
   
4. jeff for getting up with lea first thing in the morning, changing her, and playing with her while i sleep in - every day this week
   
5. constantly rediscovering clothes i already own - saves me from going shopping!
   

nugget: inspiration is where you find it

List for 2/2

1. getting my period but not the horrible cramps i used to get pre lea - hopefully that will last!
   
2. realizing that my crazy emotions last week were PMS and not the result of my life being a total mess - amazing how often i forget to keep this in mind and get hooked into it
   
3. jeff set up iChat so we can all talk and see each other during the day
   
4. the long conversation lea and i had today about the clouds, trees, and everyone we love
   
5. jeff taught lea how to snap so she can jam to the music and she was doing it on her own listening to coctau twins
   

nugget: realizing i need to take the pressure off having great, active weekends with jeff and lea in order to have great weekends.

List for 2/1

1. waking up feeling rested with no headache
   
2. working at peets for a few hours on my website
   
3. ocean walk with lea and jeff and how relaxed it made us all
   
4. discovering an amazing local mexican food restaurant that has been here for 20 years - almost thankful we didn't know otherwise my baby fat would be lingering still
   
5. listening to jeff and lea get her ready for bed - lots of singing and talking and squealing

nugget: i know it's been said a thousand times but....no pain, no gain

list for 1/31

1. peets coffee so close to our home
   
2. children's benadryl making booms feel better
   
3. our special pizza for nights when I can't cook
   
4. friday night lights - giving me a break from madmen reruns
   
5. my hubby for forcing me to talk through some stuff and help me gain perspective
   

nugget: not all my nuggets will be wise since i have some pretty unwise moments and that's the way it has to be sometimes