1. it's too late
- define: it's too late for me to pursue a new career in the arts or otherwise now that i am in my 30's, and a new mom
- deconstruct: i constantly compare myself to others, everywhere, and feel disappointed in myself for not accomplishing more thus far. i understand it takes work, but i doubt myself too much to stay focused enough to really pursue my dreams. i find myself vacillating between making excuses and cutting myself down. living in my head.
- convert it: i know it doesn't matter what your age is or when you start, the point is just doing it.
- evidence: i know this is true by the numerous people i admire who started their noteworthy career's late(r) in life. also, being a new mom is all the more reason and inspiration to go after my dreams. it will show lea first hand that it's never too late to go after her passions
- define it: jeff and i are recreating the marriage my mom and dad had when i am cold and pissy and he puts his wall up.
- deconstruct it: this is no mystery as we all gravitate towards what we know. for better or worse.
- convert it: jeff and i may have some aspects of our personalities that are similar, but we are nothing like them. together or separate. everyone can get pissy and at some point everyone puts up a wall. i'm just sensitive to it when it happens because of my history.
- evidence: positive differences; jeff and i talk about everything. even though it's harder to find time now that we have lea, we still always find time, and it always makes things better; we are incredibly loving, honest, supportive, passionate, and are best friends; we are great parents who make mistakes and help each other through everything.
3. acceptance
- define it: i need acceptance or permission for many aspects of my decision making, down to the most simple choice.
- deconstruct it: this one is very hard for me to admit as i'm ashamed i'm even like this. i am aware it's me, but i have a hard time turning it off or ignoring it. because i'm so ashamed i often suffer in my head and let it fester. it's a deep fear that i will be left alone if i am rejected. it's something in my core due to some principal events in my life. it manifests through most choices i make, big or small. it's hard-wired in my brain. it affects my confidence in all areas of my life.
- convert it: everything takes practice in life and this is no exception. as i let myself become more aware of this "filter" i can decide to ignore it and pay better attention to the positive results.
- evidence: the times i listen to my true instinct are always the choices i am most proud of. i know i need to let go and just allow myself to bloom. if i am left by anyone along the way they were not worth having in my life in the first place. there are no mistakes.
- define it: the person i want to be is not the person jeff is in love with.
- deconstruct it: because i second guess myself so much, i often believe if i do become the person i want to be, i will loose the connection i have with jeff.
- convert it: the connection i have with jeff will only become stronger as i get closer to who i truly am, as this will inevitably inspire jeff,and lea (and everyone around me) to be more open about their true selves.
- evidence: every time i am more honest about my feelings (however hard they are to say) jeff and i are closer both physically and emotionally. every time i create something from my gut i could't care less what anyone thinks but jeff inevitably loves those pieces more. every time i go after my dream (even a little) i see both jeff and lea blooming a bit more in their own way.
- define it: i don't have the time or space to live the daily life i dream about
- deconstruct it: we live in a very small home and i am a new mom. i struggle with sleep and the new daily routines of being a stay-at-home mom and wanting my family to live in a clean home with healthy food and habits.
- convert it: this is an excuse, and should be looked at as a challenge or a clue as to what changes need to take place in order to have an even healthier environment. jeff and i are looking for a new, bigger home, and i have purchased a baby monitor so i can be a bit further from lea during her naps to start using that time more wisely.
- evidence: i see hundreds of other moms who do WAY more than me and don't seem frazzled. i know it's possible, i just have to make small adjustments.
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